So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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