My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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