That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
