I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
