I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
