did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
