I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
