Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
