Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How does one acquire holy water?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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