Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
