chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
