Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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