pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
