Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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