I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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