your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
