I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize