My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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