you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
