I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
