I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
