He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
