TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
