i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I love having hate sex.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
