Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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