i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
