And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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