I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
