it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
