I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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