I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
