I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
