I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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