i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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