i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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