Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
