Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
