he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
