I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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