fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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