we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we made out on top of his cat.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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