He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
