if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
