I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
