omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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