I should be sponsored by Trojan
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
