Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
