I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
