we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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