before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
