Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
