my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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