He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
