I'm gonna have a badass scar
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
