need another drink. this is the easiest way
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize